Men's Mental Health...The Failing Grade

When I started writing this blog, I thought I had a good idea about the topic. I knew I wanted to write about the myriad issues that affected us as men; and for a long time, I had several ideas swirling around in my head and had casual conversations with some of my male coworkers, who'd shared their perspectives as well. With the many voices sounding off on social media and fingers tapping away about men as predatory, irresponsible, poor providers, lazy, and more, it seemed to me, that this blog would be the perfect opportunity to at least address some of these issues.

Instead, I decided to focus specifically on men's mental health issues, because it's a topic that's been generally underserved.

I'd written three drafts prior to this one, but had abandoned them halfway through each one because the words just didn't feel right. I started making fresh notes, jotting down new ideas and thinking about some specific things I wanted to share about men's mental health, and I realized that I didn't need to do a lot of research or find statistics, since the internet already had enough of that as it were. What I had was simple anecdotal evidence to serve our purpose. 

One of the first things I kept circling back to in my notes, was the importance of checking in. I think we shouldn't underestimate the difference we can make in someone's life when we just check in with them. This of course, works for both men and women, but for us men in particular, because we aren't usually vocal about the things that bother us. We need to feel comfortable before we open up, we need to feel as though someone is listening; listening with empathy and not listening to collect ammunition to use against us later on. Checking in with someone could be a quick call or a WhatsApp

Recently, I've adopted a check in approach with someone, one that was shared by life and leadership coach Simon Sinek on his YouTube channel. What he suggested isn't just a method, but also a warning bell, one that's intended to ring silently when heard, and one that should be acted upon in the moment. The approach is simple. On your next check in, you tell that person, "If you ever need me, if you're struggling, just call or text me and ask, 'Do you have 8 minutes?'" Or say to me, "I need 8 minutes." It could also be you who's in need. Sinek said, when someone is struggling, 8 minutes from a friend is a helping hand to get them back on track.

I had my 8 minutes a couple years ago when a friend of mine, one whom I hadn't seen in some time, returned to Jamaica for a short visit. I picked her up, and on the way to her salon, she looked over and asked me, "Are you okay?" Without thinking, I gave the usual non-committal male response, "Yeah man, I'm good." She asked again, "No really, are you okay?" At this point, I looked at her, wondering whether I was giving off a vibe that things were not as they seemed. She was looking at me for something more. "Well, I'm dealing with some things now…have been dealing with some things, but I think I'll be okay," That was the truth. I was still wondering what made her dig deeper, so I asked. She said it wasn't something I'd said or did, she didn't pick up on anything. What she said to me after though, has stayed with me since, and I think, from that day, I began to take more interest in my mental health and the mental health of my male friends, because apparently, we suffer in silence without even realizing that we're suffering, because we've normalized keeping things close. It's the expectation. She'd said that someone she knew, a male, had committed suicide. She said there was no indication things were out of control, no cry for help or no warning sign. I'd heard this before. Sometimes there aren't any warning signs, yet, as a friend, if you pick up on something that seems slightly off, you need to act. The only problem is, making the determination about what "off" behavior looks like in that friend.

In many cultures, including Caribbean culture, the idea of, and even the word, suicide, is taboo. The deeper the religious roots run, the worse it is. Even as I wrote the word, I paused and considered an alternative -- "… someone she'd known had taken his life…," "someone she'd known had killed himself…" In the end, I decided that it was pointless and foolish to do that. It was what it was. He'd committed suicide and dancing around it, not being direct wasn't going to change that fact. What could change, perhaps, is our mindset -- the mindset of us men as it relates to mental health, mental wellness, speaking up, finding a safe space, and yes, even crying

Some months ago, KOOL 97FM's weekly talk show, Singles Live featured an episode entitled, "Men Can Cry," which raised some provocative questions while exploring a side of men's mental health that's rarely addressed, the idea of expressing emotion through the shedding of tears. To be sure, it's an uncomfortable topic. As men, we're socialized not to cry, and at the same time, I'd throw down the gauntlet to say that no woman would truly be pleased to see her man cry. One of the panelists on the program confirmed there's a universal experience -- I'd add that it's a universal understanding and social conditioning, that men aren't supposed to cry, especially in the presence of others, and even worse, not in the presence of one's partner. He said that we're expected to be hard, to hold things that bother us close to the chest, and keep on keeping on. The question was asked, so what is a man supposed to be? He said a man is supposed to be human, one who needs a way to express sadness, frustration, anger, fears, doubts and anything else he feels. The panel talked about the concept of a "safe space," not as a physical place, but rather a "safe" person. I've always felt that this should be a man's partner. Any man should feel comfortable enough to share whatever life is throwing his way with his partner, but based on the discussion, this isn't always the case. The expert on the show conceded that her male clients have admitted they don't feel their partners are safe spaces for them. It seems that vulnerability somehow equates to weakness, and a man is given a failing grade by his woman when she sees his vulnerabilities.

These vulnerabilities might open the door to future ridicule and provide a chance for the collection of ammunition. At the risk of incurring the wrath of women in the listening audience, the female panel member said that since some women don't provide this safe space for their partners, men essentially suffer in silence with little to no emotional support coming from where it matters the most.

ANOTHER panelist said, as men, most of us will willingly take on the role of leader, provider and protector. We'll live up to the expectation of being hard, we'll keep things close to the chest and we'll keep on moving, but we'd eventually need a place where we can take off the armor and just, stop. If that safe place isn't at home with our partners, where is it? If we can't cry in that safe place where can we? One of them shared a verse from Proverbs 11:14, that read, where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety. That safety comes in the bonds we form with our male friends. It's the reason why the bar is always open for business and liquor is flowing. We're men, but indeed, we sometimes need the multitude of counselors, because, according to one of the guests on the show, a man left to himself, will either implode or explode.

As men, we're expected to hold it together, show no emotion and keep on moving.

Photo credit: Mohamed Chiboub
https://www.artmajeur.com/mohamed-chiboub

Sometimes, there are signs of an impending explosion or implosion, sometimes there're none. A few weeks ago, news of English cricketer, Graham Thorpe's death emerged. Not long after, it was reported that he'd committed suicide. He was 55-years-old. He'd been battling major anxiety and depression for years, and according to a story in the British press, he held the belief that his wife and children would be better off without him. He'd attempted to take his life two years ago, which landed him in intensive care for an extended time. To the people looking in, he was a "genius with the bat," "legendary," and "brilliant." On the inside, he was struggling. He was supported by his family and had tried many treatments, but according to his wife, none seemed to work. If a lesson is to be learned from such a tragedy, it'd probably be, to never stop trying. His daughter said that they weren't ashamed of speaking up about his death, because there was nothing to hide and one's mental health struggle is not a stigma.

I was living and working in the Middle East during the pandemic and like many others, the country I was in, went into a strict lockdown. I'd spent day after day, working from home and after a while, I created routines to break up the monotony of daily life. I'd workout in my living room, read in my living room, sometimes watch TV in my living room, and try my hand at cooking, in the kitchen, which wasn't far from my living room. I even tried cutting my hair a couple of times, in the bathroom, which also wasn't far from my living room. In spite of all the things I did to keep busy, and in spite of the technology on hand to keep communication lines open with loved ones, the silence, solitude and four walls of my living room did affect my mental well-being in ways I did not expect. As people, most of us are social beings; we need and oftentimes, crave contact from others. We're not meant to be alone; because, while alone time may rejuvenate one's soul and perspective, long stretches of loneliness will damage one's soul and perspective.

Starting a conversation about men's mental health will always be difficult. I'd love to be wrong about this, but I don't see it changing because we live in a world where it has become increasingly easy to judge each other. If we normalize and prioritize men's issues, if, as a society, we can admit that men have issues, then perhaps that conversation might eventually evolve into an easier one. As we go about our days satisfying the needs of others and being strong for them, it would be helpful to remember that, as men, we also have needs. We need to invest in ourselves. We need to have mental health concerns destigmatized and normalized, and we need safe spaces. We need support and understanding from our partners. Sometimes, we might just need 8 minutes.

For links, apps, and websites related to men's physical and mental health,visit Heads Up Guys

To take an anonymous and free mental health questionnaire, head over to Man Therapy