When The Cause Becomes A Crutch

 Traumatic events, difficult times and difficult relationships can stay with a person for years; even for the rest of their lives. These things can define us (for better or worse) if we're not careful. These things can change how we look at and deal with the world and guide how we deal with people in our lives on all levels – romantic, social and professional.

The same things that caused our pain can (consciously and unconsciously) become a crutch we use to justify and excuse our behavior, words, actions and sometimes even our inaction.

"My last girlfriend cheated on me with her male friend – therefore I will not date any woman with a close male friend." Standard or frying someone in someone else's fat?

"No man can tell me what I should, shouldn't or can't do, because my last boyfriend was emotionally abusive." Is this being true to yourself or treating everyone the way one person treated you?

Sometimes we use our past and present traumas as shields (or lessons) to protect us from future and possible hurt – which is not always a bad strategy – but are we sure we aren't using the cause as a crutch; so we don't have to put ourselves in hurt or harm's way again? 

There is a level of self-awareness that is required to be able to recognize when the "cause" is being used as a crutch. It's not a very difficult place to get to – if we actually want to get there. Believe it or not, for many, using this crutch is actually comforting and comfortable. It makes us feel in control; it can give a sense of order, as it gives something to use as a defense against the ugly world outside trying to get in.

Looking for love can be very nerve-wracking, especially if we've been hurt or unsuccessful in the past. As a result, some of us have a habit of using what didn't work in the past as an excuse to not put out the requisite energy needed to look for, and find love – while expecting full effort from the person currently pursuing, or showing interest in us.

Then, if the interaction doesn't bear good fruit, some of us feel justified and vindicated in the stance/action/mind-frame taken – which in this case is the "shield" (which was really the cause of their pain being used as their crutch).

Of course this does not apply to everyone…but it does apply to some. Do we know if we are, or have been guilty of using our causes as crutches? Can we see ourselves enough to see our crutch?

Now what's the solution if we are in fact using our causes as crutches – how do we fix it? Do some of us even want to fix it, or are we happy with the crutch as an extra layer of protection/shield?

No one can tell you HOW you should be; unless you know WHO you are.

Ask yourself if you actually want to know who you are – flaws and all – because whether we want to admit it or not, sometimes we learn to be very comfortable being exactly who and how we are until it stops suiting us.

Questions need answers, but answers have to be accepted when found, no matter how ugly the truth of it may be.

When you think about what you want in a relationship (of any kind), ask yourselves a few questions before proceeding to the answer or decision such as:

1.What am I willing to do – or not do to – to pursue, get and keep this relationship?

2.What am I willing to live with and without for this relationship…and for how long?

3.Whatever changes I may have to make for this relationship, will I be able to live with myself after making these changes?

Depending on the honesty of your answers, you may reveal a crutch or two you had no idea was there.